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-How can you shift your mindset from being “chosen” to choosing in the dating world?

-What do codependents look like when dating and are trying to be “chosen?”

-How can you recognize your own worth whether or not you’re in a relationship?

Welcome to Episode 143! In this episode, we are graced with the presence of Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter who is here to help us change our codependent mindset when it comes to dating. Dontea’ details what codependents tend to look like when we’re dating and highlights a common mindset: contorting ourselves to be “chosen” by a partner. We explore how to change this mindset from being “chosen” to doing the choosing! Dontea’ provides specific steps we can take to nurture our self-worth and stop defining it through a relationship. It’s a must-listen!

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Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter is a self-worth coach, therapist, and speaker that helps women get out of unfulfilling relationships and recreate self-love & happiness – single or partnered. Dontea’ is also the host of the Situationsh!t Podcast, where she fearlessly tackles those common mental health hangups that we’ve all experienced, from feeling like you’re too much to not enough at all. She wants women to know their worth doesn’t come from being in a relationship nor what others think of them.

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We begin with hearing Dontea’s definition of codependency: when in relation with another, seeing them as a life source. “I need them or else my life will not be as vibrant, hopeful, exciting. I will be nothing and have nothing without you.”

Dontea’ opens up about codependency in her own life, including a former friendship during college where “we did everything together.” Dontea’ recalls how it ended in a big blow up where she was left feeling hurt and with very few connections since she had focused on that friendship so much. We discuss the “codependent fork” she came to and how we all are often presented with these choices: stay with the familiar versus make a change. Oh, how easy it is for us to choose sticking with the familiar, right?

We shift focus to Dontea’s work with those in the dating world. She lists common codependent behaviors when dating: pressure, especially for women, to “get it right;” avoid scaring a date off, avoid a date judging you, attempting to be “chosen,” get a 2nd date, contort oneself. I recall how I cried when I first met my now-husband since I was so terrified that I could ruin it or scare him off.

Dontea’ details how we can change our mindset to that of being “chosen” to doing the choosing ourselves. Spoiler alert: it’s a process! She emphasizes how we need to: 1) take time to ask yourself and get to know what you want, what you need, and how you want to show up; 2) challenge your old mindset by affirming “I deserve this;” 3) Practice choosing by continually asking yourself if you like the person your dating, whether you want to communicate with them, etc.; and 4) seek support from a circle who have the same mindset.

Dontea’ offers ways we can recognize our codependency in dating and make changes to nurture our self-worth. She advises to be curious and reflect if you find yourself ruminating, thinking “now my life can start” thanks to being with someone, and think you need to be needed. In regards to self-worth, Dontea’ suggests spending time with oneself, creating your own definition of self-worth, and aligning your life with that definition.

Thanks for coming on Dontea’! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!
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