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How can we be codependent while isolated from others?
How has Marissa been a codpendummy this past year since the pandemic hit?
How can we challenge our codependency to stop the self-sacrifice???
Thank you for listening!
Today’s episode is sponsored by Frame, a therapist matching service. Go to http://www.tryframe.com/dummy to get $20 off your first three therapy sessions!
Be sure to sign up for my free e-course, Codependummy 101, made with love and intention to help you stop being such a codependummy so you can shine like a codependiamond? Sign up now at http://www.codependummy.com
In this week’s episode, Marissa reflects on ways she has been a little codependummy in quarantine!
How is that even a thing? If we are all locked up in our homes, social distanced, and more isolated from others–how can we be codependent? Marissa explains all!
Using the description of a dependent personality from Theodore Millon (1981), Marissa walks you through five criteria and shares in-depth about times this past year when she has self-sacrificed, avoided conflict, and belittled herself as “weak” thanks to her codependency resurfacing due to all the stress of Covid!
From the examples given, you’ll be able to relate and also reflect on ways your codependency has also been triggered even though you may have been more isolated and on your own this past year than ever before in your entire life.
Marissa challenges you at the end to find ways that you can be more self-assertive, empowered, and address conflicts in your relationships since maintaining these codependent ways of being is not sustainable! Pay attention to what comes up as you listen since that likely is where you can start making some changes.
We begin today’s episode with an acknowledgment that, unlike most episodes where Marissa reflects on codependency from years ago, this episode is chalk-full of current examples. Codependency runs deep and, despite Marissa’s healing and growth, she regressed into some old habits in 2020.
You’ll hear Marissa summarize and detail the description of a codependent personality by Theodore Million (1981). According to Millon, those with a dependent personality looked, sounded like, and behaved in the following ways:
Characteristically docile and noncompetitive, and avoids social tension and conflicts (Millon calls is “pacific temperament”)
Needs a stronger nurturing figure, and without one feels anxiously helpless; is often conciliatory, placating, and self-sacrificing (“interpersonal submissiveness”)
Perceives self as weak, fragile, and ineffectual; exhibits lack of confidence by belittling own aptitudes and competencies (“inadequate self-image”)
Reveals a naive or benign attitude toward interpersonal difficulties; smooths over troubling events (“pollyanna cognitive style”)
Prefers a subdued, uneventful, and passive lifestyle, and avoids self-assertion and refuses autonomous responsibilities (“initiative deficit”)
You likely are asking, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL EFF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Not to worry sis. Marissa proceeds to break down each of the criteria and give you real-life examples in order to develop your awareness and understanding.
For the first criterion, characteriscially docile and non competitive, and avoids social tension and conflicts, Marissa shares about ways she was docile. She accepted instruction, was Ms. Obedient, and compliant with all the rules. Unlike others, she went into lockdown before Los Angeles went into lockdown! She also avoided social conflict like the plague in order to avoid the judgmenet, criticism, and disdain from others. What do you relate with from her examples?
Criterion #2: needs a stronger nurturing figure, and without one feels anxiously helpless; is often conciliatory, placating, and self-sacrificing. Marissa discusses how she regressed to an old behavior where she desired being taken care of, that is, codependent with her mom and dad despite being a 31-year-old GROWN A– WOMAN. She also self-sacrificed for months as she learned the ropes of ordering groceries on line while her partner got to kick his feet up and enjoy all the benefits of her hard labor. She didn’t even realize how she was enabling him and acting like a martyr! How can you relate to this criterion?
Regarding the third criterion, perceiving self as weak, fragile, and ineffectual; exhibiting a lack of confidence by belittling own aptitudes and competencies, Marissa was not kind to herself this past year. She tells about belittling herself as weak, fragile, and ineffectual, that is, thinking she lacked the ability and quality to cope with the lockdown. Marissa tells a hilarious story about an encounter with another pedestrian and how she was shamed by him for her efforts to maintain a social distance. “You’ve got me all wrong Mister!” was all Marissa wanted to yell out to him in order to preserve a positive image…even random pedestrians. How have you thought yourself weak, fragile, or belittled yourself this past year?
Criterion #4: reveals a naive or benign attitude toward interpersonal difficulties; smooths over troubling events. Marissa gets very personal and shares about how she declined an invitation to her best friend’s wedding due to her fear of coronavirus. THIS WAS NOT AN EASY TASK PEOPLE. Marissa shares how she was trying to avoid an interpersonal difficulty, to smooth over troubling events, and to keep the peace–but she was nervous, anxious, and scared the whole time. It led to her finally creating a boundary and feeling more empowered with herself. How have you smoothed things over or avoided interpersonal difficulties this past year since the pandemic began?
Last but not least, the fifth criterion: prefers a subdued, uneventful, and passive lifestyle, and avoids self-assertion and refuses autonomous responsibilities. Marissa shares about how much she wants to have a passive and subdued life since it is free of all conflict, confrontation, and guilt! She shares about a time when she asserted herself and regretted it immediately. However, she’s been able to reflect and see how it really was okay for her to assert her needs. Where have you chosen to have a passive lifestyle this past year? How have you neglected asserting yourself?
And that’s all folks! Marissa has now presented you with five criterion for codependency and examples of it coming up this past year in her life.
The episode ends with a challenge since acting, thinking, feeling, and keeping these criteria in your life is not sustainable! So, this week, Marissa challenges you to, in at least one area in your life, to pick a criteria and do the opposite! For example, if you have been docile, then you need to be “willful” (while also being safe). If you have felt weak or belittled yourself, how can you be strong and empower yourself this week? If you’ve avoided taking responsibility for yourself, how can you practice self-autonomy this week?
Let Marissa know how it goes!
Today’s episode is sponsored by Frame, a therapist matching service.
Founded in May 2020, they’re on a mission to help you find the perfect therapist.
Using Frame is free and they’re also offering my listeners an exclusive code for $20 off each of your first 3 sessions once you match with a therapist.
ALSO, have you signed up for Marissa’s free course, Codependummy 101? It’s a 10 part course WAS MADE TO HELP YOU stop being such a codependummy so you can shine like a codependimond! Sign up at http://www.codependummy.com