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How can codependency lead us to “love bomb” in new relationships?
How can we either be codependent with our friends + family OR our new love interest–and what happens when our relationships are off balance?
What questions should we ask or things to look for in a new relationship to avoid becoming codependent?
In this podcast episode, Marissa speaks with Christie Kederian, PhD, about codependency’s impact on starting new relationships, how our “need to please” can lead us to be too dependent on the opinions of others on our new beau, and what we can do to create healthy, interdependent dating relationships.
Thanks for listening!
Be sure to sign up for my free course, Codependummy 101, at http://www.codependummy.com
Meet Dr. Christie Kederian, a nationally renowned relationship expert who specializes in helping clients create lives they love and find love they deserve. With an extensive career as a professional matchmaker and relationship expert, Christie has helped hundreds of people find love and improve their relationships. She received her doctorate from USC, is a radio host of The Lyrical Therapy Hour, and has been a featured expert in ABC, NBC, KTLA, the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Cosmopolitan and many more. She is the educational outreach representative for the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and provides trainings for pre-licensed MFTs.
More deets on this week’s episode:
We start with hearing Dr. Christie’s definition of codependency: when you place somebody else’s needs above your own and you also place your own well-being upon someone else’s well-being. That can be one person, a community, or an environment.
Christie talks about where she has seen codependency come up within “every area of our lives” so we need to learn about it and be aware so we can center, recognize what is healthy for us, and go with that. She gives examples of how she has experienced and witnessed codependency in her Armenian culture as well as in other collectivistic cultures. Christie also adds how her faith as a Christian has led to her trying to find ways to give and love without over-giving and over-loving.
Marissa asks Christie about two ways that codependency can show up with dating: 1) how can codependents be overly dependent on the approval of their parents and friends and 2) how can codependents be overly dependent on their new partner while neglecting their other relationships. Christie shares how she has seen it all and her suggestion: wait to inform everyone else about how things are going so you don’t find yourself caring too much what the “peanut gallery” thinks and ending a budding relationship too soon. She adds how, if we are overly dependent on a new partner, then we need to take a step back, reflect, and make sure we are pursuing this relationship because we want to.
Christie comments on how culturally we have begun to be more and more codependent on our partners since they are supposed to be our “one and only.” She shares with Marissa about men and women she’s worked with will enter a relationship, neglect their family and friends, and need to reel themselves back in order to make sure they are meeting their own needs instead of expecting a partner to do so.
Christie invites listeners to look at things they are looking for in a partner and start to work on that in their own lives. Her famous quote with her clients when they ask about their doubts or concerns with a potential partner: “Consistency over time.” What are your deal breakers and, if you see any yellow flags, do they persist over time?
Christie shares about love-bombing and how it relates to codependency: extreme connection and attachment with a new partner. “We get wrapped into it early on and are overwhelmed with love that isn’t backed up by experience and trust.” Marissa will be sure to cover this (since she experienced it so much) in an upcoming episode.
We conclude by hearing from Christie on what to ask to make sure we are dating our soulmate (and not being a codependummy!). She encourages us to reflect on our values, goals, and what we enjoy during our free time. We can then look for that in a partner but it is important to look at ourselves first. Value-based dating is what Christie emphasizes with her clients.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Ester Perel’s book Dating in Captivity
Eight Dates by John Gottman
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Want to work with me? Go to http://www.therapywithmarissa.com
Thanks for listening!
Be sure to sign up for my free course, Codependummy 101, at http://www.codependummy.com. It’s a 10-part course filled with wisdom, ways, and writing prompts to help you start on your journey to transform from codependummy to codependiamond!