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How can having poor boundaries lead to a messy affair?
Do codependents attract and enable cheaters to cheat with them?
How can our need to please lead to the most unpleasing situations?
Listen to hear me talk and reflect on last week’s episode, Codependency & Infidelity, with an experience where I almost became the “other woman.” Thanks to my inability to create and maintain healthy boundaries with married men throughout my early 20s, I got into multiple situations where I let small boundary violations go unnoticed and unchecked…to my detriment. This episodes highlights how codependents can get ourselves into trouble the more we put the needs of others above our own, even sometimes leading to infidelity thanks to our inability to say “no.”
Thanks for listening!
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In this week’s episode:
I begin by sharing about how, after doing some reflecting on last week’s episode, I realized I forgot to talk to Dr. Alsaleem about one aspect of my codependency related to infidelity: my messes with married men.
I propose that, thanks to my own codependency, and my rule “I will be uncomfortable so you will be comfortable,” I actually invited married men into my life, let them violate multiple boundaries, and it wasn’t until they had me cornered against a wall and trying to kiss me that I finally snapped back and put up a boundary. I set myself up to be the third party in an affair.
Before I share the story, I share about boundaries: internal and external as well as boundary systems: intact, non-existent, damaged, and walls.
Pay attention to the violations of my boundaries and see how you can relate.
My mess with a married man: I was 21 years old, codependent, and became acquainted with a fitness instructor. He was about 10 years older, married, and started to do things that were “odd.” Let’s call him Mister.
I share about how he texted me and started to make sexual references. He would treat me to dinner after a workout. And he was flirty with other students which gave me pause.
We ended up putting a group of students together to run a half marathon. After completing the race, we celebrated but Mister asked to have another celebration a week or two later at my house. “Sure!”
I then share about how, that evening, he was all over me and my best friend and roommate were horrified.
“Marissa, he needs to leave.” When I confronted him about leaving, he said “I won’t leave until you kiss me.”
“What? No Mister. I am not going to kiss you.” I was able to get rid of him but then he came back. Violating my boundaries, right?
It ended with him trying to get with me (again) and me refusing him but really pushing the edge on acceptable behavior.
This is what happens when we let others violate our boundaries over and over and over again. We put ourselves in situations where we are not comfortable and do things we are not proud of.
Looking back, I can see how I felt responsible for his feelings, how I didn’t want to upset him but creating a boundary with his texts, and how I really set myself up. I was not honest about things he said or did that made me uncomfortable…and paid for it.
Can you relate sis?
What comes up for you while listening?
Have you been in a similar situation?
What would it be like to create a strong boundary at the first sign of a violation?
Do you agree that you are more vulnerable to being a third party or being taken advantage of in your family, relationship, at work, or with friends due to you difficulty in setting boundaries?
Let me know what you think!
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