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How does a coach deal with codependency with her clients?
How does codependency lead us to live out the dreams of others rather than our own?
How can self-hate lead to a self-loving journey to heal from codependency?
In this podcast episode, Marissa speaks with Crystal Morgan, a life coach, about codependency, codependency in coaching clients, and how she works with individuals to stop living someone else’s dream so they can start living their own!
Thanks for listening! 2 favors to help a sista out:
-Please leave a rating and review! How to–>https://youtu.be/2tN1JS8Kz28
-Check out FRAME, a therapist matching service. They want to help you find the right therapist. Go to http://www.tryframe.com/dummy for $20 off your first three sessions!
Meet Crystal Morgan, a life coach who helps her clients better connect with themselves and the things they want in life. Her superpower is bringing clarity to her clients on the true issues holding them back, helping them accept who they are right now, working with them on who they want to become, and creating a life they enjoy.
More deets for this week’s episode:
How we codependummies can look like we have it “all together” but we are really performing and pleasing everyone by doing what we think they want us to do…and how this connects with our childhoods?
Codependents are at the mercy of the approval or disapproval from others–including relationships as well as in environments like school, work, and communities
How to know if you are living your dreams or the dreams of someone else? You’ll hear about the signs that you are out of alignment with what you truly want for yourself!
Crystal talks about her past and healing journey that started when she realized she was pretending and mimicking success. She was inspired to become a coach thanks to her journey after she hit bottom with depression, suicidal thoughts, and was able to come out of that after spending five years working on herself.
Crystal started to ask questions about what she wanted to do and who she was. Before, she used to hide parts of her, however, once she started to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion, she was able to realize that as a messy human, it’s okay to let go of the expectations from others. We talk about having realistic expectations for your own timeline and how, if you’ve been struggling for years, it is going to take time to heal. It may seem like it will “take forever,” but you are struggling now so you can either keep struggling or work towards your healing. The goal is to go through the process rather than search for the “magical cure” so you are prepared for other obstacles that come up in your path. Crystal normalizes the fear of asking for help since people think they will be overwhelmed in negativity–but she has found that is not the reality. “Once you hit the peak, it will come down and level out.” She emphasizes anticipating that and then how you will be better able to handle things going on.
Crystal and Marissa discuss the power of having a coach, therapist, consultant to help young women who are struggling since they are able to see the blindspots and guide them since they have been through those same experiences. They both reflect on the benefits they received from hiring professionals to help them get where they wanted to be way sooner than doing it on their own.
Crystal defines codependency as “any time that you live your life in a way that is a result of trying to get someone else’s or something else filled. It can manifest itself with a person or with an activity.” She reflects on her codependency and it’s connection to her ambition. Yes, her ambition. She accomplished a lot but was totally dependent on the approval and accolades of others.
Crystal provides examples of how we can be codependent with our looks: we hold a standard of our physical body and feel poorly about ourselves if we don’t meet it. She also provides an example of codependency in relationships where we will cling to a partner out of fear of being single and alone. We think “I won’t be enough unless I’m in a relationship, fit a certain body type, meet the expectations of my boss, etc.” We turn into chameleons in order to receive love thanks to what we learned as children and relationships being transactional.
Crystal and Marissa talk about how we have to look at our patterns, the undercurrent or underlying motives, and how that keeps us on a codependent hamster wheel. Crystal highlights how lack of awareness leads us to stay in negative patterns and how that typically is what gets in the way of her clients achieving success. Her number one tip for her clients to build awareness? Keep asking “Why?” And follow that answer up with another “Why?”
And what about the listener who is stuck in her patterns but thinks that she should be able to handle it on her own? Again, Crystal encourages you to keep asking yourself “Why?” and see what’s underneath your hesitation to reach out for help. She recalls back in her past when she worried she would look weak, like she was too much, and that she should be able to take care of her problems on her own. BUT, Crystal emphasizes how we need community and how we are meant to get better with the help from others.
And how do we build the discernment that we are accomplishing our dreams instead of someone else’s? Crystal provides a metaphor to really help you understand and get in touch with what you want to do. Marissa asks about whose dreams Crystal’s clients are often living out–mom, dad, mom and dad? Crystal shares how “it typically is the person you feel most abandoned from.” Oof! If your dad was not emotionally there for you, and you do what you think he wants you to do, maybe then he will provide the protection you’ve sought?
We end our discussion about the power with acceptance. No, not accept things as they are like “It’s okay that I remain here.” No, not that–but stop living in denial. “I hated myself,” admits Crystal, which then led her to figure out why that was–she started with acceptance. This is where change really happens–when you admit who you are, how you are feeling, and your circumstances for what they are in the present so then you can start to take action. This will help you move from the superficial to the depth underneath your behaviors that are causing you pain.
http://www.codependummy.com for my free course, Codependummy 101
How to leave a rating and review: https://youtu.be/2tN1JS8Kz28
Want to work with me? Go to http://www.therapywithmarissa.com
Thanks for listening! 2 favors to help a sista out:
Please leave a rating and review!
Check out FRAME, a therapist matching service. They want to help you find the right therapist. Go to http://www.tryframe.com/dummy for $20 off your first three sessions!