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Do teachers tend to have codependent tendencies?
How does Lani use the “Self Concept Model” to help her coaching clients become more independent?
How can we stop seeking validation from the good behavior of others if our job technically depends on that?
In this podcast episode, Marissa speaks with Lani Kim, Life Coach, about codependency in educators. Lani herself was a teacher for years and witnessed a norm where she and colleagues depended on their students performance, staff approval, and administrative acknowledgement in order to feel good about themselves and their work. You’ll hear Lani share about her own experiences with codependency in her family, how she came to be a life coach, and how she helps empower her clients to stop seeking self-worth through others via the “Self-Concept Model” (tune in to find out what that’s all about!)
Thanks for listening!
About this episode’s guest:
Lani Kim is a Life Coach of Lani Kim Coaching, where she helps individuals through the Self Concept Model. Lani is a left handed woman trying to survive in a right handed world. After some self care led her to work with a life coach, Lani was hooked. She knew she had found her calling. As the saying goes, only left handeds are in their right minds, so she is a rare commodity.
Free workshop → https://lanikim.groovepages.com/increasing-self-awareness/
More deets on this episode:
First Question: How does Lani define codependency?
Lani’s textbook definition: “Partnership of two people who abdicate responsibility for their emotions to their partner.” Abdicate–oOoOoOoOo.
Lani expands and describes how “it takes two to tango” so it is really about the partnership of two people that makes it codependent.
Second Question: Does Lani have any memories/experiences in her past where she was codependent?
“Definitely.” Lani shares about the many codependent relationships she had, however, that she was not aware of. Lani reveals that she was “so sensitive to my parents feelings and always trying to fill the gap of whatever their expectation was.” Wow!
Lani discusses codependency with her parents and then particularly with her mother after her parents divorce. She tells us about moments when she hid stories from her mother about her father and also felt angry at her father “because I embodied my mom’s feelings.”
Like many of us, Lani acknowledges how much her codependency with her mother impacted her marriage, children, and other significant relationships in her life. “And it’s still a work in progress” between her and her mother.
Third Question: What codependent behaviors did Lani witness as a teacher?
“The way I think about teachers is like a bowl of spaghetti.” Spaghetti? Say what?
“Being a teacher, the weight of the decisions you make and your conduct is so external and controlled by so many things.” Damn! Lani preaches truth about the dependency that can be embedded in teachers depending on how they define their success and worth as professionals.
Lani provides examples of all the levels of relationships teachers depend on: students, parents, teaching aids, administration, government, etc.
“Teachers feel like this burden of a Martyr Syndrome: ‘I have to do this and I have to do that and I have to do this…'”
Fourth Question: How does Lani help her coaching clients address codependent behavior?
“The tool and process that is most powerful: evaluation. That is a big component of coaching.” Lani details how she helps client take their ideas, get them down to something measurable, and then take action to promote progress. “What’s your vision for your students; what’s your vision for yourself?” and get it down to how you want to FEEL.
Fifth Question: With her clients, how has she seen codependency sabotage their progress?
“People think that–once they have coaching–they believe that this will solve their life and, when they are done, life is going to be so awesome!” She advises her clients to have realistic expectations in order to avoid disappointment and over-relying on her!
Lani shares the Self-Concept Model: 1) self-awareness; 2) self-efficacy; 3) self-esteem; 4) self-integrity; and 5) self-confidence. She then emphasizes how her clients will sabotage their progress due to their poor, negative, disempowered MINDSET. “They stall if they aren’t honest…especially with themselves.”
Sixth Question: Has Lani dealt with coaching clients becoming codependent on her?
“I can start to see it sometimes.” Lani describes her efforts in order to avoid that so she doesn’t create that codependency with them. “This is their journey.” It’s not she who is doing the work–it’s them and she makes it clear it is because of them.
Lani recalls talking with new clients who consume books, conferences, and other personal development products and “they think once they come to a one-on-one coaching atmosphere…they will feel on fire and that’s their expectation.” I highlight how, in those calls, she senses how they want to abdicate responsibility for their emotions and Lani is able to refuse them thanks to the work she has done.
Seventh Question: Who is life coaching for?
“Do you have a vision for yourself and your life? If you don’t, life coaching may be for you.” Lani emphasizes how there is a life coach for every type of person. “Do you have defined goals? Do you have measures for how you want to feel? Life coaching may be for you.” If something is debilitating a coaching client, Lani explains how she and other coaches work alongside a therapist to address mental health, trauma, and other psychological concerns.
“Stepping into Your Future Self” is one of the most exciting activities that Lani does with her work that she LOVES. She helps client step into the person they want to be and “spending time in their head.” Coaching helps individuals connect current self and future self–WOW!
Lani describes how she loves coaching since she gets to help others “create desire.” We get places via will-power, motivation, and desire. Lani connects people with desire since it’s the most effective and long-lasting.
–>Link to Lani’s workshop: https://lanikim.groovepages.com/increasing-self-awareness/