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-What are common characteristics of codependents while dating?

-Why do codependents tend to attract assholes when dating?

-How can we be more intentional about our needs to find a healthy partner?

Welcome to Episode 130! This week, I sat down with Alyse Freda, LCSW, to discuss her approach on helping codependent women who want to stop dating assholes! You’ll hear Alyse’s observations on the common characteristics of codependents while dating, the common mistakes we tend to make on dates, and the red flags we miss with romantic interests. I even share some anecdotes about my dating history since I had a knack for dating assholes. We look at the long-term consequences if we never address our codependent ways when it comes to romance. Alyse spares us from heartache by revealing the initial steps she takes with her coaching clients to help them be more intentional, aligned, and conscious while dating in order to attract healthy partners. It’s a must-listen!

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Alyse Freda is a therapist in New York and has recently launched 2 small group coaching programs for women: First, Stop Dating Assholes! for women who are ready to start dating more strategically.The second is Are you Mad at Me? for women who are tired of bending themself into a pretzel to please others and who are ready to start prioritizing their own needs unapologetically.

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We begin with Alyse’s definition of codependency: when someone whose self-worth is tied up in someone else.” She details how codependents often develop their sense of self from an external source and are always asking if they are enough, if they are okay, and base their wants on others.

And when it comes to dating? Buckle up! Alyse shares common characteristics of codependents: having no idea what we want in a partner, fear around being single, preoccupation with societal and parental pressure to date, settling with partners who are not ideal for us. She adds how codependents often doubt if they deserve a healthy relationship, ignore their gut in relationships, and often spiral about expectations of themselves and others.

Alyse details the common dating mistakes codependents commit: we make excuses for our partners behavior, make ourselves responsible for our partners feelings, fail to recognize when a partner is disrespectful, have no sense of our needs, lose ourselves in relationships, and have no clarity on what we are and aren’ts okay with in relationships.

I open up about how I distorted stalking as romantic. And it was not just in one but two subsequent relationships!

And the red flags we miss: the fact that we are walking on eggshells, feel like we can’t be authentic, fear disappointing our partner, make excuses, and believe lies.

We forecast the long-term consequences of these behaviors if they go unaddressed: toxic relationships, wasted time, repetitive patterns, and justifying bad behavior.

Alyse spares us of romantic misery by suggesting: adjusting our timetable on love, getting clear on what we want in a partner, cultivate a strong sense of self, determine our dealbreakers/must-haves/key characteristics, reflect on past relationships, and pursue what we want.

If you’re needing more help to stop dating assholes, be sure to sign up for Alyse’s group!!!

Thanks for coming on Alyse! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!


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