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-What does it mean to “people-please?”

-Why do many women, in particular, engage in people-pleasing behaviors?

-What are the initial steps you can take to STOP people-pleasing?

Welcome to Episode 139! This week, we are graced with the presence of Alyse Freda-Colon for her second interview all about: PEOPLE-PLEASING. In the episode, you’ll hear Alyse define what “people-pleasing” means (since we all self-identify as such but do we really know what it means?). We then look into why women in particular are vulnerable to people-pleasing, what it looks like in our day-to-day life, and what the short- and long-term consequences are (believe me, it ain’t pretty!). Alyse shares how she helps her clients, especially those in her group Are You Mad At Me?, to stop people-pleasing and embrace that some people may not like us. It’s a must-listen!

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Alyse Freda-Colon is a therapist in private practice in New York and has recently launched 2 small group coaching programs-Stop Dating Assholes! and Are you Mad at Me?, the latter is for women who are overthinking people pleasers who are tired of bending themselves into a pretzel to make everyone around them happy, often at their own expense.

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We begin by hearing Alyse expand on her definition of codependency: “When you’re emotional okay-ness is dependent on someone else.” She adds how codependents cannot compartmentalize or separate themselves from others.

We shift focus to what it specifically means to people-please. Alyse describes how it can be seen as a negative description and, in contrast, as a “badge of honor.” This involves self-sacrifice, putting your needs at the bottom of the list, giving without replenishment, doing whatever you can regardless of how it impacts you, and controlling the narrative.

Alyse shares with us what people-pleasing looks like day-to-day: with spouses, children, and friends. This manifests through behaviors like: not saying “no,” having a fear of disappointing others, giving excessively, neglecting to asks for needs, and staying quiet to keep the peace.

And why are women vulnerable to people-pleasing? Alyse spells out how, due to cultural conditioning, women are concerned with how we are perceived by others. This is a consequence of our modeling of caretaking behavior, reinforcement from others, negative judgment from others, etc.

We discuss the short- and long-term consequences of people-pleasing. For the short-term, we end up not getting self-care, feeling unfulfilled, lack time to care for ourselves, and miss out on self-decadence/self-indulgence (the good kind!). For the long-term, the consequences include becoming resentful, martyrdom, identity crises, and not being a person onto oneself.

What’s a codependent to do to stop people-pleasing? Schedule time for yourself, work through your fears of others being mad at you, use interactions as an opportunity to feel disliked, sit with the feelings, and get comfortable with the fact that not all people will like you.

Thanks for coming on Alyse! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!
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