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How do I practice self-care while prioritizing my relationships with others?
OR REALLY–how do I stop prioritizing others so much that I neglect my self-care when I’m codependent???
How do you say “no” to others in order to say “yes” to yourself?
Listen in to hear me walk through an aspect of MB’s life where she’s being a little codependummy and needed help on how to act like a codependiamond: SELF-CARE. “How do I prioritize self-care while being in relationships with others?” What’s a codependummy to do?
Thanks for listening!
Be sure to sign up for my free course, Codependummy 101, at http://www.codependummy.com
More deets on this week’s episode:
Gird your loins, sis. We start with getting to know listener MB better by having her share about how she was raised, reinforced, and rewarded to put the needs of others above her own by being the eldest daughter and granddaughter in her family. “Be the example,” they said–and did MB listen! She recalls always listening and putting a lot of pressure on herself to be a “good girl.” The tears start to flow as MB recalls how she always did her chores, never fought with her siblings or cousins, and was taught not to question what she was being asked to do.
Fast forward, Marissa asks how that now contributes to MB being exhausted, exasperated, and enveloped in shit relationships: “that’s pretty much what I was doing,” MB recalls. She was married and “pretended nothing was wrong” in their relationship despite it being complete and total shit! MB recalls being the hostess and staying busy in order to distract herself from her relationship issues. MB recounts how she then entered into another unhealthy relationship after her divorce and, even today, she is aware that she has a pattern where she “feels overwhelmed and then I leave.” MB adds more details on how she would go from “staying in my room all day” or “filling up my days.” We codependents are full of extremes, right?
Next, we tackle MB’s codependummy dilemma: “I want to talk about my weight.” MB opens up about her self-care and how she has seasons where she will eat right, exercise, and take care of herself THEN she self-sabotages, overeats, and gains weight. MB says “I want to feel better about myself. I want to be happy with the way that I am but healthier.” Marissa works with MB on the actual dilemma, which isn’t about her weight–it’s about her contentment with herself and her ability to prioritize herself over others.
MB reflects on when her self-care was most ideal: no surprise, it was when she was SINGLE! What is it about us codependents and our inability to self-care when we are in a relationship. As we narrow more and more, “How do I prioritize self-care while in relationships with others?” MB acknowledges how, if and when she is in a romantic relationship, her self-care is non-existent. MB suggests: schedule!
MB reflects on how her schedule as a little girl really helped her to make time for her priorities. Marissa and MB explore her history with schedules and how she can start to apply that to her current dilemma. MB adds how she was able to repeat that as an adult when she got divorced and prioritized self-care “because I didn’t have any distractions.” How, oh how, can MB start to create her own distractions in her life today?
What are your current distractions, MB? Well, MB shares how she takes care of her boyfriend’s child, works all day, picks up her boyfriend’s child, tries to walk the dog, makes dinner, and goes to do her side job as a plumber. Oh, and she tries to socialize once or twice a month. “The nights fill up” so she is not able to exercise, write, or journal like she wants to.
What would your self-care entail ideally, MB? MB shares a simple ideal: something towards my physical health, something towards my mental health, time for my friends, and time for me. Marissa helps MB break it down: 30 minutes of walking, 40 minutes of journaling/reading, and a few hangouts with her friends a week. But she has to agree to stop helping people…with her plumbing skills! She’s not a plumber and has to let go of being one for everybody else. But will she be able to say “no” to those calls and texts??? MB shares how difficult it will be for her but she is up to the task.
Marissa does the math and finds that MB is really wanting 11% of her waking hours to be dedicated to self-care in order to feel happy and content with herself while maintaining healthy relationships with others. What comes up for you while you listen, dear codependummy? How do you relate and how can you prioritize your self-care by saying “no?”
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Thanks for listening!
Be sure to sign up for my free course, Codependummy 101, at http://www.codependummy.com. It’s a 10-part course filled with wisdom, ways, and writing prompts to help you start on your journey to transform from codependummy to codependiamond!