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-How was Listener SP raised, reinforced, and rewarded to put the needs of others above her own?
-And how has that left Listener SP exhausted, exasperated, and enveloped in sh*t relationships, including the one she has with herself?
-How can Listener SP stop playing small and start taking up space when it comes to interacting with her high-anxiety-mother?
Welcome to Episode 100! In this episode, we are back with our beloved segment, The Codependummy Dilemma. A brave fellow-listener, SP, volunteered to come on and share a) how she was raised, reinforced, and rewarded to put the needs of others above her own; b) how that’s left her exhausted, exasperated, and enveloped in sh*t relationships; and c) how she’s playing small and wants to take up more space when it comes to interacting with her high-anxiety mother. I coach her through ways she can do this to not take in, be so affected, and depleted by her mother. It’s a must-listen!
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We begin by hearing by hearing how SP found out about the podcast and how it’s helped her thus far. She signed up for The Confiding Codependummy which has helped her learn more about where her codependency comes from. Get your own copy at http://www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing
Next, SP describes ways she was raised, reinforced, and rewarded to put the needs of others above her own. Her parents modeled the typical codependent-alcoholic dynamic and her mother always stuck up for the underdog—which wasn’t SP.
How has that affected SP long-term? How is she exhausted, exasperated, and enveloped in sh*t relationships? SP shares about her exhaustion, especially in recent years, as a consequence of doing everything for everyone and nothing for herself as a wife, foster mother, daughter, etc. SP goes into detail about the physical toll her codependency has had on her: not sleeping, eating whatever, drinking whatever, not moving her body and being sick all the time.
SP acknowledges how she really talks “like crap to myself. I’m a horrible mom, a horrible person, I’m horrible.” And yes, she’s making progress but we both resonate and emphasize how working through our codependency is h a r d.
And what would SP like help with from me? “I dread my interactions with my mother.”
I have her reflect on recent interactions to help her identify what’s the worst part: she conveys—either implicitly or explicitly—that SP is inadequate.
We review a recent interaction and unpack what SP can do next time to navigate her interactions with mom. No, she won’t be able to change her mother. No, she won’t be able to go through the interaction carefree and casually. It WILL come into her, affect her, and deplete her. But how can she make it less painful? Only 90% as opposed to 100% depletion?
SP suggest: acknowledge my mother’s thoughts/feelings (“Yeah mom, that was a lot”), stand firm with where she’s (SP) is at, use her inner dialogue to compassionately have a reality check, and use the bathroom for solace.
Let’s see how it goes SP. I will be sure to update you all on how she is doing soon. If you’re interested in coming on, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Questions for you:
What came up for you as you heard how SP was raised, reinforced, and rewarded to put the needs of others above her own?
How do you relate to how that’s left her exhausted, exasperated, and enveloped in sh*t relationships?
How are your interactions with your mother lately?
If you find your interactions with your mother coming into you, affecting you, and depleting you, how can you better prepare for the before-during-and-after of the interaction to not be 100% taken out? Only 90%?
What can you do to integrate the practices that SP came up with to play big in your relationships?
Thank you, dear listener, for listening!
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See you next week!
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