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Pardon me for cursing but–seriously–validate your own goddamn self sis.
In this week’s episode, I’ll discuss:
-the concept of self-validation and why it’s so hard for us codependents to do
-times in my life that led me to self-INvalidate (does that trigger memories of your own?)
-a step-by-step process to start validating yourself (with a script!)
Thanks for listening!
30-Day Self-Validation Challenge: http://www.codependummy.com/challenge
More deets on this episode:
Let’s start with definitions, shall we?
What does validate mean? According to Google: the verb, to validate means: demonstrate or support the truth or value of. This is their example: “in a healthy family a child’s feelings are validated.”
What is self-validation? Marissa Esquibel’s working definition of self-validation: a PRACTICE of telling yourself the kind, loving, and compassionate words you need to hear. A way to see yourself, hear yourself, and remind yourself that you matter.
Why is it so hard for codependents to validate themselves?
Like most things in life, self-validation was often modeled to us by our parents and authority figures in our extended family, community, and society.
We codependents did not grow up in the healthiest families that involved validation of ourselves or other people: our feelings were not validated. Our needs were not validated. Our thoughts were not validated. And our value ultimately was not validated..
Like when you rev an engine and the RPM gauge. You may be at “0” when, suddenly, someone recognizes how pretty, responsible, or smart you are. You may not believe it, but at least for the moment, your RPM validate gauge may go to 50 or 90. We codependummies take that experience of another validating us and run with it: doing what we can to keep that RPM as high as we can.
I had to sit with this for a bit in preparing the episode. Why did you need others to validate you so desperately Marissa? Ultimately, I did not sense that I had intrinsic and immense value.
Times when I was validated or invalidated in my childhood:
-My dad believing in me during cheer tryouts. “I knew you’d make it.”
-My maternal grandmother saying, “This girl, she’s going somewhere.” Then my dad saying my sister is going “somewhere too.” Why?
-Dad saying I won’t fit in my older sister’s dress. Ouch!
These are just 3 examples that I remember fairly vividly at 33. And I have so many MORE! What memories come up for you regarding times you were validated or invalidated by others?
This led to me seeking validation from everyone and anyone, especially my first serious boyfriend. If we didn’t talk for our nightly call, my day literally didn’t matter. Who do you rely on the most for validation? Is it sustainable?
In all honesty girl: no one will never, ever EVER fulfill your need for validation. We have to do it ourselves. That’s what being a codependiamond is all about: interdependence where others can acknowledge your worth while you simultaneously validate yourself and can meet that need largely on your own.
Steps:
If you haven’t already: Listen to The Codependummy Dilemma episode that aired 6/21/21
Download the 30-Day Self-Validation Challenge Guide at http://www.codependummy.com/challenge
The Guide has EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO BEGIN. Including this script:
Today, I…describe your day
I’m proud of myself for…
I practiced patience by…
I was kind and compassionate to myself when…
Slowly but surely, I’m getting better at…
I asserted myself by…
I kicked ass at…
I was honest with…
I love myself because today…
I’m grateful to myself for…
Do you sense you could do that on a daily/nightly basis for the next 30 days to start the practice of validating your GD self? Then sign up at http://www.codependummy.com/challenge.
That is your homework girl.
We wrap up with Nathan’s 90-day update from his own Self-Validation Challenge! Thank you Nathan!
Episode 42–check!
Quote to ponder this week: You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better – Anne Lamott
http://www.codependummy.com/challenge
marissa@codependummy.com
@therapywithmarissa on IG
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